Can Dashmar

Hey ya’ll, I totally just “found” this news article on Kanye West.

September 15, 2009 — Washington, D.C. (Associated Press)

Americans doing their daily activities may have another nuisance upon their hands as several have reported. “I was just catching a football and this crazy guy just started heckling me, saying Wayne Chrebet was the best receiver of all time,” says Ed Gzysztfsornq of Mystery, Alaska, “My dad and I stopped playing after that.”
In downtown Manhattan, the man was identified as Kanye West, singer/songwriter, as he stopped an old woman crossing the street to inform her the greatest street-crossers of all-time were the Beatles.
“I really had to pee and this strange man stopped me. I think I wet myself when he did,” she told us anonymously.
Here in Washington, D.C., Mr. West has been seen heckling hecklers, informing them that the best of all time were at the original Tea Party. “Yeah, he just came up and took my megaphone away,” says 1 year old Alice Wu-Tang Smith, “Goo goo gah gah.”
Americans are advised to be on the lookout for men with strange designs carved into their hair and strange sunglasses as this may be Mr. West who will no doubt criticize what you’re doing or about to do.

Here’s some advice!

So my new girlfriend won’t go down on me and it’s SOO aggravating. I clean myself every day in the shower so it’s not like i’m gross or anything. I mean honestly if you’re not going to eat me out; lick my snatch or touch my cooch, I’m going to find someone who will.
Sometimes when I pee I cry, I dunno. I just need advice. What do I do?

Dear Complete Idiot Who Forgot To Add A Salutation And Love,
I think the main problem in your relationship is that you want your partner to eat you. Many people don’t realize being eaten results in their death. But if peeing makes you cry, perhaps you would be better off dead. To convince your partner to eat you, try covering yourself in some foods. If she’s vegan or vegetarian, this will take months of labor as you must secretly add meat into her diet once again. Try adding a tiny piece of bacon into her salad and see if she notices. If she does, speak Spanish or Arabic until she stops questioning you. If she doesn’t, slowly add more and more over time. When she craves blood once more, try covering yourself in barbecue sauce and lay yourself conveniently near a large grill or fireplace. It would be better if you are cooked as uncooked meat can have some deadly germs on it. Now there are two more problems: 1. This is technically murder and 2. Your partner will probably get Kuru and die. So you really have to think about whether you’d like her to be in jail for the rest of her life or die from her brain degenerating.
Love,
Can Dashmar

As always, e-mail me at advice at candashmar dot com!

Dear Can,
My boyfriend has ben oober bugging me lately about sumething, and i just dont know what to do!! He wants to put it in my butt, and i just think it is oh so icky! Should I let him do it?
From,
AnalVirgin

Dear AnalVirgin,
When thinking of anal
The answer is clear
Go for it
There is nothing to fear

Also, take pictures.

Love,
Can Dashmar

My dearest Can,
I have a very large and also in charge Polish friend, and i think that i am in love with him. I see him at work, stacking that milk, and i just think to myself. DAYUM, i wish he put his milk inside me! That beautiful curly hair, and spectacular black glasses make me want to drop on the dairy floor and start masturbating EVERYWHERE! I dream about him everyday and quite frankly, everytime i see him, i automatically spring a boner and have to run away. I cant control myself anymore, and i dont know what to do! How do i tell him that i’m in love with him and i want to have his babies? I am a man by the by.
From,
MeWantsToGetMeSomeOfThatPolishSausage!

Dear MeWantsToGetMeSomeOfThatPolishSausage!,
The best ways to let someone know you want to have anal sex with them are to mull quietly about it or stare at them awkwardly from a distance while rubbing your hands together and licking your lips. Next time you see this Polish fellow, go right up to him and say: “Hello!” and then proceed to rip off both of your clothing, pour milk onto your bodies as lubricant and have the craziest anal sex you’ll ever experience as a mortal.
Here is the best way to have someone’s babies when you’re a man: steal their sperm. You can get it from thrown-out rags or used condoms if need be. Go down to your local Egg Donation Facility, get an egg, fuse the sperm and the egg together, wait for 9 months, be killed by your horrible creation, come back to life as a lesser animal because of your poor karma, and then be shot and eaten by your horrible creation.
Love,
Can Dashmar

P.S. I used my amazing sense of deduction to realize you were a man when you told me you sprung a boner.

To ask your own question, be it about anal sex, man love and other things I am an expert at (Hey ladies… ;) I mean fellas… sigh), e-mail me at advice at candashmar dot com!