Can Dashmar

Can the man,
I just want to start out by saying, wow! Your website is wonderful. One of my friends has a website that they just recently started, and it is the dumbest thing ever. It’s supposed to be a website for webmovie reviews.. and there is absolutely no webmovie reviews! Just stupid things that no one is even paying attention to. But this website is totally what it is intended to be, you should totally show him how its done. He also has an advice column about movies and what he thinks about them. Thing is.. I would never even ask him for his opinions on movies, because he’s a tool. None of my friends know how to break it to him, but we just want him to shut up! Please help!
Love always,
David Fisher

Dear David Fisher,
Flattery will get you everywhere when it’s directed at me! This sounds so weird because my website was made for webcomics and I have no webcomics! I’d be a hypocrite by answering this… so I will of course! That was three exclamations in a row. That is too many. The first thing you need to do with your friend is to sit him down in a comfortable seat. Then you must tie him up (tightly to snug) with chains. (Make sure you’re not using rope!!) Now douse him with gasoline and light a match. Say something cool like, “Review this!”, “Why the fuck did you make Transformers 2 so shitty?!” or “Those who play with fire get burned. But in your case, those who make a website that anger me greatly get burned.” and then drop the match onto him and walk away. Don’t ever look back.
Love,
Can Dashmar

Taking your idea to heart, here’s some movie reviews:
Steel Magnolias
This is a movie set in feudal Japan and follows the development of a man born into a ninja tribe. He struggles with the ordinary shuriken and it seems as if he will never pass the long distance assassination exam. Until one day… he’s under a tree and looks at all of these beautiful flowers around him! He designs a metal throwing weapon after the flower. I think this was a beautiful tale showing that even the most elite assassins struggle in their lives.
4/5 Nunchaku

No Country For Old Men
I believe this movie will be a sci-fi classic for years to come. It’s set in a dystopian future where older people are killed as to avoid overpopulation. The main character, Logan 3, has a job which requires him to terminate humans when it’s their time to die. You live until your Lastday, when you’re 21, but some people try to avoid this and escape to Sanctuary. They’re referred to as Runners. But as he gets closer and closer to his own Lastday, he grows more sympathetic to the Runners and eventually becomes one himself. He eventually meets with Jessica 6, who originally does not trust him but eventually does and they escape to Sanctuary. The book is better.
6/6 Lifeclocks

Dear Can,
My boyfriend has ben oober bugging me lately about sumething, and i just dont know what to do!! He wants to put it in my butt, and i just think it is oh so icky! Should I let him do it?
From,
AnalVirgin

Dear AnalVirgin,
When thinking of anal
The answer is clear
Go for it
There is nothing to fear

Also, take pictures.

Love,
Can Dashmar

My dearest Can,
I have a very large and also in charge Polish friend, and i think that i am in love with him. I see him at work, stacking that milk, and i just think to myself. DAYUM, i wish he put his milk inside me! That beautiful curly hair, and spectacular black glasses make me want to drop on the dairy floor and start masturbating EVERYWHERE! I dream about him everyday and quite frankly, everytime i see him, i automatically spring a boner and have to run away. I cant control myself anymore, and i dont know what to do! How do i tell him that i’m in love with him and i want to have his babies? I am a man by the by.
From,
MeWantsToGetMeSomeOfThatPolishSausage!

Dear MeWantsToGetMeSomeOfThatPolishSausage!,
The best ways to let someone know you want to have anal sex with them are to mull quietly about it or stare at them awkwardly from a distance while rubbing your hands together and licking your lips. Next time you see this Polish fellow, go right up to him and say: “Hello!” and then proceed to rip off both of your clothing, pour milk onto your bodies as lubricant and have the craziest anal sex you’ll ever experience as a mortal.
Here is the best way to have someone’s babies when you’re a man: steal their sperm. You can get it from thrown-out rags or used condoms if need be. Go down to your local Egg Donation Facility, get an egg, fuse the sperm and the egg together, wait for 9 months, be killed by your horrible creation, come back to life as a lesser animal because of your poor karma, and then be shot and eaten by your horrible creation.
Love,
Can Dashmar

P.S. I used my amazing sense of deduction to realize you were a man when you told me you sprung a boner.

To ask your own question, be it about anal sex, man love and other things I am an expert at (Hey ladies… ;) I mean fellas… sigh), e-mail me at advice at candashmar dot com!